This is my story: Simply l start with me and my debt’s that to say the least were massive, caused by wanting some people might say, and they would be right in part.
Though I did want not cars, houses and trappings of wealth, but simply to be loved. In fact half a million pounds worth of wanting to be loved. So here is my story …….. well at least part one!!! Part will come when l can find the words and the feelings.
That’s right just to be loved by someone who thought l was more important than the pound in my pocket.
Maybe l should say a little about that last statement. It all started when l was a child and my parents did not have time for me, in fact they were too busy to care about me, except when they wanted me to be a parent. That is right as a child l needed to do their job for them, and sort out my own problems,and also my younger brothers problems. When ever he got himself in trouble ,they called on me to get him out of trouble, and l did. Though when it went wrong and he took no notice it was my fault, not my brother’s or my parent’s.
So we move quickly forward to 1984 l was by now just 30 – still a child in many ways and still breaking up the fights over money – sorry forgot mention my parents driving force, it was money or simply pounds, shillings and pence. They argued incessantly over every penny, meanwhile my brother carried on getting into scrap’s and l carried on bailing him out.
It was at this time in April of that year my dad became ill, rushed into hospital and diagnosed with Leukemia and my mother fell back on me to become the father figure, looking after bills and sorting out – well everything. You see my dad was of Victorian upbringing and l was brought up by him as he was, so l knew no different, you became a man at 14 and that was that, well l was 30 and my dad in my eyes was dying.
Though nobody would still talk to me about it, my brother had gone off, marrying the first girl who would have him, and l was left sorting everything out.
Well he did die after 9 hard months and l was not there, for the first time in my entire life, l was doing something for me, well someone else really but not my family. I was earning a crust, money – doing a job of insuring another persons home. You see in the morning l phoned the hospital and he was in a coma, no change.
But when l got back the answering machine was flashing, and the words were my uncles – l never forget them: ‘ Come Quick Your Dad’s Dying ‘ l never drove so fast in my life – but it was too late their faces told me it all. He is dead he died 10 minutes ago, you are too late.
So after the funeral and everything was sorted by me, well who else, and everyone but me had grieved l started trying to get him to love me. You see he never said a word to me about that all my life, l wanted to hear those words so much and to know and feel he really cared.
So l started to build a business and make him proud of me and to do that l borrowed money, something l had never ever done, but all l could remember him saying were these words ‘ People will Love you if you have MONEY but 6 years later and half a million in debt, all my so-called friends disappeared and all l was left with
with was debt. I lost everything houses, cars and eventually my health and l had a nervous breakdown.
It was only then my mother who l had taken care of since he died, came to help me and nobody else. So this would seem finally l would receive this so-called love at 36. She did what she could but really when l was well enough it was my turn to take over again with the after words still ringing in my ears, l look after you when you were ill, so l need your help now. So l became my so-called brother/mothers keeper, well she had grabbed my arm and said to my brother at the funeral 6 years before, l have got Ian now.
Time moves forward some years l reach 55 left home and numbers of failed relationships looking for love, not a rich man but not what l call poor man. One day l find out after a visit she has not been eating, taking her tablets for thyroid problems and basically not looking after herself. Well being me l started to look after her full-time ,taking care of everything eventually,as l tried to get her to care for herself. But she had this problem it was called the truth and my mother could not tell the truth if her life depended on it, and as it turned out it did.
As the years progressive l looked after her and left my care position after 4 years and became a so-called main carer, with my financial and organised manner l was able to sort-out a basic care package, 2 hours a day, to visit and leave a meal. The problem was my mother wanted her own way, l would say take your time walking and she would run and when she ended up falling, she became reliant on a walking aid.
It got worst and she feel more often on a number of occassions cracking her head and being admitted to hospital to be patched up. Finally on the 40th fall – that is right 40 falls she lands on her hip, lucky does not crack it,but traps a blood vessel and that would eventually become too painful to walk.
It is now 4 years later and she is housebound, being hoisted chair to bed and chair to commode, l am her fully time slave, now 2 houses full-time cooking cleaning and no real money, savings gone, no job. Nearly lose the roof over my head and bailed out by my mum, but with a proviso or should l say promise never put me in a care home, you look after me here in my home.
No choice agree. ………. so l did as always..!!
It is now 2014 – 30 years since my dad died and l started looking after my mum, her health deteriorates, as she still wants her own way, l am now in debt as l have no real income and suddenly l realise she is dying. It hits me hard, harder than l ever realised l have known nothing first since l became her carer. We struggle through Christmas and January arrives nothing changes and mother is now bed ridden, catharised and refusing to take her tablets, drink or even eat.
On the 15th January she is admitted to hospital and l go back to where 30 years before my dad was dying and now my Mum is dying as well.
We talk about going full circle well l have done just that gone full circle.
I was 61 on the 25th January and l was 16 when l started working in a job my dad put into, as his words spoken were ‘ l looked after you for 16 years now you need to get a job and pay your way ‘ after 45 years l am still doing a job l was put into namely nursing my Mum until she died.
Part Two …………….. in next …!!!